An open letter to Whole Foods
Dear Whole Foods,
I am a frequent patron of your esteemed establishment who often partakes in your vast array of fresh produce and delicious hot buffet menu. On July 4th, 2005 after 4pm, I entered the Union Square Whole Foods to use your restroom where a woman stood outside of the men's room door and as I attempted to by pass her this bladder hussy informed me that she was waiting for the men's room also and blocked my entry. Clearly her motivation was to avoid being drafted in the army of women lined up outside of the women's restroom.
I was a bit surprised but I did not press the issue and I waited behind her to see how the situation would play itself out. Several moments later another male patron bypassed the line I was on and while the hussy was not looking he entered the restroom and I followed suit and discovered that the men's room has a stall that was occupied while the urinal and sink were vacant. I concluded my business as quickly as possible for fear of the restroom hussy busting through the door and dragging me out with my pants down at my ankles.
As I vacated the premises the restroom hussy loudly demanded that the male patrons in the rest area remove themselves from the area so she could use the bathroom instead of waiting on line like the rest of her suffering colleagues.
Although I think this is an amusing anecdote that I have placed in my blog I realize this could have developed into a serious problem for the restroom social order that governs Whole Foods. What if there was a long line at the men's room? Would it be justifiable for a man to commandeer the women's rest room? I think not. Also should a man have to urinate in fear? I think not.
Obviously the bigger issue is that the geniuses that designed the layout for the Union Square Whole Foods did not take in consideration the massive influx of female users of their rest facilities. In the future when Whole Foods builds their next compound they should be aware of this fact and implement the changes needed to avoid this type of FUBAR, which includes more restroom facilities for women. A women's urinary rights are just as precious as their reproductive right and they should be treated with a great deal of respect. They are also a highly prized demographic of any retail business so it is in your best interest to make things as convenient for them as possible. Whole Foods should also consider creating restroom facilities that are custom made for cities that have a large transgender population like New York and San Francisco.
In the meantime it is in the best interests of Whole Foods to enforce bathroom law. There are certain rogue elements like the hussy that wish to engage in toilet anarchy and that cannot be tolerated. Just because they are inconvenienced does not mean they have the right to inconvenience others.
Although I empathize with the hussy's plight I do not think she was justified in preventing me from entering the men's rest room. She should not hold it against me the fact that I can relieve myself standing up just I should not hold it against her that she has the gift of bearing children and being a mother. Fortunately I am a gentleman when dealing with the fairer sex and I maintain a policy of quiet yet strong composure even when dealing with unstable personalities whether they are male or female.
You may brush off my words as the rantings of a crackpot but I hope you recognize the gravity of this situation. It could have been quite catastrophic for Whole Foods. What if the hussy had blocked a father bringing his son who desperately needed to use the bathroom? What if an elderly gentleman with a weak prostate was forced to relieve himself in the hallways of the Whole Foods establishment resulting in his humiliation and loss of his dignity? I can guarantee that in such a litigious town, legal action against Whole Foods would have easily been found meritorious.
My recommendation is the following. A sign should be prominently displayed stating the bathroom policies and designations of each restroom. It should also state that if any patrons violate these policies then they should be ejected from Whole Foods immediately. There should also be a security guard stationed in the vicinity to enforce the rules.
By no means am I recommending that Whole Foods should institute rest room nazis that maintain a fascist lavatory order. In certain situations, rules should be bent regarding the access to restroom facilities to assist their customers in emergency situations. But a balance must be maintained to ensure that the washroom infrastructure does not implode.
Respectfully,
The Grunt
I am a frequent patron of your esteemed establishment who often partakes in your vast array of fresh produce and delicious hot buffet menu. On July 4th, 2005 after 4pm, I entered the Union Square Whole Foods to use your restroom where a woman stood outside of the men's room door and as I attempted to by pass her this bladder hussy informed me that she was waiting for the men's room also and blocked my entry. Clearly her motivation was to avoid being drafted in the army of women lined up outside of the women's restroom.
I was a bit surprised but I did not press the issue and I waited behind her to see how the situation would play itself out. Several moments later another male patron bypassed the line I was on and while the hussy was not looking he entered the restroom and I followed suit and discovered that the men's room has a stall that was occupied while the urinal and sink were vacant. I concluded my business as quickly as possible for fear of the restroom hussy busting through the door and dragging me out with my pants down at my ankles.
As I vacated the premises the restroom hussy loudly demanded that the male patrons in the rest area remove themselves from the area so she could use the bathroom instead of waiting on line like the rest of her suffering colleagues.
Although I think this is an amusing anecdote that I have placed in my blog I realize this could have developed into a serious problem for the restroom social order that governs Whole Foods. What if there was a long line at the men's room? Would it be justifiable for a man to commandeer the women's rest room? I think not. Also should a man have to urinate in fear? I think not.
Obviously the bigger issue is that the geniuses that designed the layout for the Union Square Whole Foods did not take in consideration the massive influx of female users of their rest facilities. In the future when Whole Foods builds their next compound they should be aware of this fact and implement the changes needed to avoid this type of FUBAR, which includes more restroom facilities for women. A women's urinary rights are just as precious as their reproductive right and they should be treated with a great deal of respect. They are also a highly prized demographic of any retail business so it is in your best interest to make things as convenient for them as possible. Whole Foods should also consider creating restroom facilities that are custom made for cities that have a large transgender population like New York and San Francisco.
In the meantime it is in the best interests of Whole Foods to enforce bathroom law. There are certain rogue elements like the hussy that wish to engage in toilet anarchy and that cannot be tolerated. Just because they are inconvenienced does not mean they have the right to inconvenience others.
Although I empathize with the hussy's plight I do not think she was justified in preventing me from entering the men's rest room. She should not hold it against me the fact that I can relieve myself standing up just I should not hold it against her that she has the gift of bearing children and being a mother. Fortunately I am a gentleman when dealing with the fairer sex and I maintain a policy of quiet yet strong composure even when dealing with unstable personalities whether they are male or female.
You may brush off my words as the rantings of a crackpot but I hope you recognize the gravity of this situation. It could have been quite catastrophic for Whole Foods. What if the hussy had blocked a father bringing his son who desperately needed to use the bathroom? What if an elderly gentleman with a weak prostate was forced to relieve himself in the hallways of the Whole Foods establishment resulting in his humiliation and loss of his dignity? I can guarantee that in such a litigious town, legal action against Whole Foods would have easily been found meritorious.
My recommendation is the following. A sign should be prominently displayed stating the bathroom policies and designations of each restroom. It should also state that if any patrons violate these policies then they should be ejected from Whole Foods immediately. There should also be a security guard stationed in the vicinity to enforce the rules.
By no means am I recommending that Whole Foods should institute rest room nazis that maintain a fascist lavatory order. In certain situations, rules should be bent regarding the access to restroom facilities to assist their customers in emergency situations. But a balance must be maintained to ensure that the washroom infrastructure does not implode.
Respectfully,
The Grunt
posted by Grunt at
8:17 AM
15 Comments:
I don't know dude, I've never heard of people going to take a leak at the grocery store.
By
Anonymous, at 5:30 AM
Why in the hell were either of you using the men's room? They should build more woman's capacity, but it's been that way our whole lives. Plan ahead, pee before it's an emergency.
By
Anonymous, at 9:03 AM
The same thing happened to me and when I finally got into the men's room, I freely urinated on the seat, the toilet paper, the flusher and the sink. Any woman who followed would end up with a dirty ass, hands and mouth.
By
Anonymous, at 11:06 AM
i saw the same thing play out, but the other way around (long line to the men's room, guys resorting to using the ladies' room)
... of course, this was in chelsea
By
Anonymous, at 11:17 AM
I wam a "Team Leader" at Whole (paycheck) Foods. Trust an insider. Whole Foods is full of shit, and you would be wise not to believe their claims of organic compliance. Its no wonder so many are fighting over the restroom after seeing what they are serving.
By
Anonymous, at 11:21 AM
I would have whipped out my dong and pissed in this cunt's fucking mouth and all over her tits!!!!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! WHAT A WHORE!
By
Anonymous, at 11:24 AM
"Urinate in fear"? Are you kidding me? Why would you possibily have to urinate in fear? Are women that scary to you?
By
Sheila Hageman, at 11:47 AM
obviously they should just have gender-neutral bathrooms. then nobody would feel like their territory was being violated, and nobody would have to pass inspection to get into the "right" restroom. it's just pissing, everyone, chill out.
By
Anonymous, at 12:12 PM
I understand this is a bit tongue-in-cheek, but WF does have comment cards which I know they take very seriously. Did you think about filling one of them out?
They're located right outside the bathroom :)
By
Anonymous, at 6:39 PM
"Although I empathize with the hussy's plight I do not think she was justified in preventing me from entering the men's rest room. She should not hold it against me the fact that I can relieve myself standing up just I should not hold it against her that she has the gift of bearing children and being a mother."
And why do you think she was holding against you the fact that you can pee standing up? It really has nothing to do with it. It is my guess that it takes a woman the same amount of time to use the facilities as a man because 1) we have smaller bladders and 2) it really doesn't take us that long to pull down our pants and sit down, so this is irrelevant. Don't hold it against us that you have to wory about getting caught in the zipper when in a hurry.
And men, don't forget to wash your hands!!! I always knew that's why you guys are soooo fast! You are holding that thing in your hand you know!
By
Anonymous, at 9:36 AM
What interesting comments! The gender hostility is hilarious.
Your letter, on the other hand, was fuckin' brilliant.
By
Anonymous, at 5:32 AM
While we are discussing bathroom etiquette, I would like to mention my own personal pet peeve (this is a woman speaking). I can't stand it when I use a public ladies' room and discover to my horror that the woman before me urinated all over the seat. This happens because mothers all over the nation tell their daughters not to sit down for fear of catching some loathesome disease (come to think of this, this means women must urinate in fear. I never thought of that).
Anyway, if you *must* crouch over the seat, please have the decency to put the seat up first so those of us who follow in your, uh, footsteps don't sit down in ... well, you get the picture.
By
Anonymous, at 4:42 PM
"A women's urinary rights are just as precious as their reproductive right and they should be treated with a great deal of respect. They are also a highly prized demographic of any retail business so it is in your best interest to make things as convenient for them as possible." Grunt, you have it SO RIGHT HERE. Take it from a middle-aged woman whose bladder takes no prisoners, your understanding and sensitivity in this matter is highly laudable. This was a great post! You are in a league of your own! Have a great weekend.
By
Frances Flynn Thorsen, at 10:41 AM
Bigger Pet Peeve: Why doesn't WF buck up and buy recycled content toilet paper for the restrooms. PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH!!
By
Anonymous, at 8:21 AM
I can understand how women get annoyed at long lines but that woman had no right to deny access to the men's room. I would have told her to "Hold it in!" Men's and women's room have that distinction for a reason. If your restroom has a line and the opposite sex doesn't that doesn't give you the right to kick them out of theirs. If a woman was dying to pee I'd probably be sympathetic if they ASKED if they could use the men's room, but in general people should be more patient. If there's a line at the ladies room it means women will just have to wait a bit longer to pee. If the situation were reversed the men wouldn't be allowed in the women's restroom so there shouldn't be a double standard. Though I'll admit if I were standing in line for the men's room for 15 minutes as the women breeze in and out I'd be more than a little annoyed and looking enviously at their bathroom lol. Fortunately that will probably never happen ;).
By
Anonymous, at 1:39 AM
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