Property Grunt

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

An open letter to Whole Foods

Dear Whole Foods,

I am a frequent patron of your esteemed establishment who often partakes in your vast array of fresh produce and delicious hot buffet menu. On July 4th, 2005 after 4pm, I entered the Union Square Whole Foods to use your restroom where a woman stood outside of the men's room door and as I attempted to by pass her this bladder hussy informed me that she was waiting for the men's room also and blocked my entry. Clearly her motivation was to avoid being drafted in the army of women lined up outside of the women's restroom.

I was a bit surprised but I did not press the issue and I waited behind her to see how the situation would play itself out. Several moments later another male patron bypassed the line I was on and while the hussy was not looking he entered the restroom and I followed suit and discovered that the men's room has a stall that was occupied while the urinal and sink were vacant. I concluded my business as quickly as possible for fear of the restroom hussy busting through the door and dragging me out with my pants down at my ankles.

As I vacated the premises the restroom hussy loudly demanded that the male patrons in the rest area remove themselves from the area so she could use the bathroom instead of waiting on line like the rest of her suffering colleagues.

Although I think this is an amusing anecdote that I have placed in my blog I realize this could have developed into a serious problem for the restroom social order that governs Whole Foods. What if there was a long line at the men's room? Would it be justifiable for a man to commandeer the women's rest room? I think not. Also should a man have to urinate in fear? I think not.

Obviously the bigger issue is that the geniuses that designed the layout for the Union Square Whole Foods did not take in consideration the massive influx of female users of their rest facilities. In the future when Whole Foods builds their next compound they should be aware of this fact and implement the changes needed to avoid this type of FUBAR, which includes more restroom facilities for women. A women's urinary rights are just as precious as their reproductive right and they should be treated with a great deal of respect. They are also a highly prized demographic of any retail business so it is in your best interest to make things as convenient for them as possible. Whole Foods should also consider creating restroom facilities that are custom made for cities that have a large transgender population like New York and San Francisco.

In the meantime it is in the best interests of Whole Foods to enforce bathroom law. There are certain rogue elements like the hussy that wish to engage in toilet anarchy and that cannot be tolerated. Just because they are inconvenienced does not mean they have the right to inconvenience others.

Although I empathize with the hussy's plight I do not think she was justified in preventing me from entering the men's rest room. She should not hold it against me the fact that I can relieve myself standing up just I should not hold it against her that she has the gift of bearing children and being a mother. Fortunately I am a gentleman when dealing with the fairer sex and I maintain a policy of quiet yet strong composure even when dealing with unstable personalities whether they are male or female.

You may brush off my words as the rantings of a crackpot but I hope you recognize the gravity of this situation. It could have been quite catastrophic for Whole Foods. What if the hussy had blocked a father bringing his son who desperately needed to use the bathroom? What if an elderly gentleman with a weak prostate was forced to relieve himself in the hallways of the Whole Foods establishment resulting in his humiliation and loss of his dignity? I can guarantee that in such a litigious town, legal action against Whole Foods would have easily been found meritorious.

My recommendation is the following. A sign should be prominently displayed stating the bathroom policies and designations of each restroom. It should also state that if any patrons violate these policies then they should be ejected from Whole Foods immediately. There should also be a security guard stationed in the vicinity to enforce the rules.

By no means am I recommending that Whole Foods should institute rest room nazis that maintain a fascist lavatory order. In certain situations, rules should be bent regarding the access to restroom facilities to assist their customers in emergency situations. But a balance must be maintained to ensure that the washroom infrastructure does not implode.


The Grunt